MWT 2007: Misting 4: The Bret Hart Fan Letter
by Billie Marie
Summary: 4th fan fic in the Mystery Wrestling Theater 2007 series. In this episode, DX teams up to play a joke on Bret, only to have mixed results. Adding to Bret’s misfortune is a letter from a very enthusiastic fan.
1. Intro

**Title: **

**Mystery Wrestling Theater 2007: **

**Misting #4: A Bret Hart Fan Letter**

**Rated: Suitable for mature teens and older **

**Summary: 4th fan fic in the Mystery Wrestling Theater 2007 series. So if you haven't read the other three, I suggest you do because this fan fic will make more sense. In this episode, DX teams together to play a joke on Bret, only to have mixed results. Thanks to **chaosmagician15 **for the suggestion****. Adding to Bret's misfortune is a letter from a very, very excited fan. **

**Recap: In the last fic in the series, Bret and Shawn's truce lasted until the end of the spam that they read. Why? Well, Shawn just can't help being annoying and Bret takes things too hard. Sean and Hunter have accepted this as just a part of who Shawn and Bret are. **

**Characters: Bret Hart, Sean Waltman, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, Vince McMahon **

**Yeah, the next part is the same as usual.**

**Sources: I do not own any of the wrestlers or Vince or his children. I don't own the characters or the concept from Mystery Science Theater. The only original character in the series is Marie, Vince's hired writer and finder of awful spams and fan fics.**

**I also am not the person who came up with the concept of mixing wrestling and Mystery Science Theater. My inspiration is Amanda Stevens who came up with the wonderful cast of misters that I am currently using. **

**Format: Parts 1-2 of this will be in a regular narrative as they detail past events and/or a lot of material that was easier to write in this style. Part's 3-5 will be in script form. Here, their actions will be in (). The name of the character talking will be bold. Things that are part of the post in part 5 will be written in italics.**

**Enjoy!**


	2. Ch 1: In The Shower

Time: 2 days after our heroes read the Get Rich Chain Letter Spam or the 5th day of our heroes' captivity (whichever you the reader prefer)

Time of day: Morning, or at least what passes for morning for our heroes

Place: The bathroom on the Satellite of Degenerates (SOD)

Of all the places in the known universe, the SOD was the worst place to be. Being stuck here against your will with almost no privacy was bad enough. Being at the mercy of your former boss who's gone insane and wants to take you to the loony bin with him was worse. However, the most awful part of living on the SOD was living in close quarters with only one bathroom, one den, and three other men you didn't like and could barely tolerate. Thank goodness there were five bedrooms.

On the morning of his fifth day aboard the SOD, as he was showering, Bret Hart wondered to himself how he was still sane after five days of living with DX and Sean Waltman. Then, he remembered that as leader, he had to hold the crew together. He couldn't afford to have a nervous breakdown.

Of course a lot had happened lately that could cause that breakdown. Take yesterday for instance:

The day had started out quiet. Bret had woken up and made breakfast as usual. The only thing that Bret was thankful for when it came to Vince was that the owner of the WWE regularly transported food over to the satellite. However, yesterday morning, unlike the last three, no one else had shown up to eat and Bret had begun to eat breakfast alone.

Just when Bret had adjusted to the quiet of eating alone, he heard the sound of banging and scraping metal coming from the crew's sleeping quarters. Bret left the kitchen to investigate, only to find the noise coming from Sean's room. Curious, Bret knocked. When he heard no answer, save for the steady banging and scraping, he entered, worried that there was trouble.

Inside, Bret found Sean sitting on top of the serpent shaped camera that had become infatuated with the Kid. Sean was pinning the camera's body to the floor. If that wasn't bad enough, the Kid wasn't wearing anything except his boxers. Even the boxers weren't on all the way and he was showing his butt.

Bret hoped he wasn't seeing what he thought he was seeing. Shocked, he said, "Sean!"

Sean didn't look up because he was too preoccupied with whatever he was doing. Bret exclaimed, "What the hell…"

Before Bret could finish, the Kid raised his right arm above his head. That's when Bret saw that Sean had something in his hand. The object was an axe, which Sean then lowered onto the upper neck of the camera. The axe hit and the terrible sound of metal on metal was heard.

Sean swung the axe down on the camera twice more and Bret looked on in horror as the head of the camera detached from the neck. The head rolled away stopping only when it hit a table leg. Sean watched this with a satisfied look on his face.

Bret was speechless for a minute. Then he said, "What the…"

Sean, still looking at the camera, was too preoccupied to notice Bret in the room. Cutting Bret's words off, the Kid said, "That's the last time you come out of my closet."

Bret could barely find the words, "Why…"

That's when Sean snapped out of it and realized that Bret was standing in his room. The Kid also knew that the situation didn't look normal.

Sean said, "I can explain this."

Bret hoped he could, "First, pull up your boxers and take these." Bret walked further into Sean's room and picked up the Kid's pants from the bed. He held them out towards Sean, "Please."

As Bret looked the other way, Sean, completely embarrassed, got off the camera, pulled his underwear up, and took the pants and got dressed.

As he pulled on the pants, Sean tried to explain, "I know how bad this looks."

Bret, who liked to get information up front, just wanted an explanation, "Just tell me."

Sean took a deep breath, "A short while ago, I'd just come from the bathroom after taking a shower. I was wrapped only in a towel, which I took off when I got back in my room in order to dress. As I was dressing, I heard this noise from behind me coming from my closet, which wasn't closed all the way. I opened the door the rest of the way and sure enough there was this," he pointed to the camera, "filming me in the nude." He huffed angrily before continuing, "I couldn't take it so I dragged it out of my closet and attacked it with the first weapon I could find. And you saw the rest."

Bret replied, "Unfortunately." He was still shocked, "I can't believe you destroyed Vince's camera. He loves that thing."

Sean said, "Unfortunately, it loved me." He sighed, "Think we're in trouble?"

Bret answered, "I think you're in trouble. I'm just an innocent witness."

Sean replied, "Who did nothing to stop me."

"What was I supposed to do?" said the Hitman, "Yank you off of it?"

Sean thought, "Yeah."

"For all I knew, you could have finally snapped and turned your aggression on me," Bret said.

"But you knew that I hated the camera. And you're the leader. You could have prevented me from ever doing this," said Sean.

Bret was furious, "I am not taking the blame for this. See, this is why I hate DX."

"DX?" Sean questioned, "What does this have to do with Hunter and Shawn?"

Bret explained, "Not them for once, it's about you. You used to be a part of DX and this whole, place the blame and responsibility onto everyone else but yourself attitude, stems from your involvement with DX."

"I don't follow," said the Kid.

Bret vented as he clarified, "Shawn says that my unwillingness to job was the reason for the Montreal Screwjob. He's also said that Hunter thought up the plan and that Vince finalized it. Shawn also said that he was merely following Vince's orders; thereby, taking the blame and responsibility off of himself and putting it onto others. Now, you're trying to blame me for something I couldn't have prevented."

Sean was silent as he considered what Bret had said, "All right, I'll tell Vince I destroyed the camera."

Bret stated, "You bet you will." Frustrated, Bret walked passed Sean and left the Kid's room.

If Sean had been the only incident that occurred yesterday, Bret could have dealt with it. "But yesterday just seemed to get worse," thought the Hitman.

Yesterday morning, after leaving Sean's room, Bret had started to head back to the kitchen. Only, he'd gotten distracted by loud singing coming from the corridor further down the crew's sleeping quarters.

Against his better judgment, Bret checked it out. He walked down the corridor and passed by Hunter and Shawn's rooms. The singing though wasn't from either room. So, Bret continued towards the holoporter.

And there, just outside of the holoporter was DX. One look at them told Bret that they weren't all right.

Hunter had his arm around Shawn for one thing. Furthermore, the bigger man was leaning heavily on the smaller man. Shawn, meanwhile, looked hardly able to support himself much less Hunter and the image Bret saw was two men shuffling and staggering down the hall. DX was clearly drunk.

"Good night ladies…good night ladies…" sang DX, who were loud and horribly out of tune.

"Not that they were ever in tune when sober," Bret thought. He couldn't believe he had to deal with this.

When DX had stopped attempting to sing, Bret said, "Hunter, Shawn…"

"Look, it's…it's…", Shawn tried to remember Bret's name.

"Bret," supplied the Hitman.

"Yeah, that's it," said Shawn.

Hunter stated, "I think you're drunk."

"So are you," replied Shawn.

"I am not," said Hunter, becoming defensive, "I had two beers."

Bret knew that was not all.

Shawn scoffed at his friend, "Yeah, three beers, two shots of rum, and two shots of whiskey."

Hunter said, "You're one to talk. You had three beers, two jello shots and two shots of whiskey."

Shawn said, "But I'm still standing on my own."

"Barely," replied Bret. He had to get DX under control, "All right, why don't you two head to your rooms."

Hunter said, "Is it close by?"

Bret said, "Yeah."

"Is it right here?" Triple H asked.

Bret said, "Only a little farther."

"I'm not going to make it then," said Hunter.

Suddenly, Hunter's arm slipped from Shawn's shoulder and Hunter proceeded to fall to the ground.

Shawn fell to his knees and then vomited. More vomit followed as Hunter got sick afterward.

"Great", Bret thought.

As he was in the shower, Bret continued to remember DX's drinking incident. After Hunter and Shawn had gotten sick, Bret had yelled down the corridor praying that Sean would hear him.

Sure enough, Sean did and came to see what all the commotion was. Bret filled Sean in and after that, Bret moved Hunter into the cerebral assassin's room. Meanwhile, Sean dragged the boy toy into Shawn's room. DX was put to bed.

The rest of the day yesterday was spent attending to and cleaning up after DX. Bret had to admit that Sean did his part, especially since the Kid had gotten stuck with vomit cleanup both in the satellite's carpeted corridor and in the DX members' rooms.

When Shawn and Hunter had finally slept off the intoxicating affects of the alcohol they'd consumed, Bret and Sean cared for them. Both DX members had headaches that no amount of aspirin could cure, but at least they were alive.

At one point yesterday, Bret had been able to get an explanation from DX for their behavior. From Hunter and Shawn's stories, Bret had been able to piece together that at sometime between the third and fourth day of their capture, while Bret and Sean had been sleeping, the pair had gotten extremely depressed. Shawn was still upset over Rebecca's betrayal, and Hunter missed Stephanie and Aurora terribly. Then, they got into the liquor cabinet and took most of its contents into the holoporter, where they created a bar and had the computer generated bartender serve them real booze in a few hours time. Now, DX could barely think straight.

Once DX's drunken incident, had been explained, the two men had fallen back to sleep. As they slept, Bret poured all the alcohol that remained on the ship down the drain. He didn't want a repeat occurrence happening again.

During the rest of the night, Bret checked in on Hunter and Shawn regularly, but aside from Shawn crying over Rebecca, DX slept through the night. Bret, however, was too busy playing nurse to get much shut eye. He'd slept off and on for about two hours, maybe more, maybe less, and then fully slept for approximately another two. When he finally woke up, at some time this morning, he checked on DX. Both members were still asleep. Then, he went into the shower, where he still was.

The shower was so relaxing. And with DX asleep and Sean, probably asleep, he had a chance to enjoy the refreshing and reenergizing qualities of a long, hot shower. That was rare on this ship. He remembered that on the first two mornings of his capture, Shawn had been the first one to shower and, just like the prima donna that he was, spent an hour in it. Hunter had gone second, and the Kid had showered third, so by the time Bret had gotten in, the hot water was all used up.

Not today though. This morning, Bret had the shower and nothing could ruin his time in it.

Bret was so immersed in taking his shower, not to mention, the water was so loud, that he didn't hear the bathroom door open.

**End of part 1**

Who's behind the door? Wait and find out. Hope you don't mind that I went back to writing a regular narrative. For this part, it's easier than writing a script.

Let me know what you think.


	3. Ch 2: The Set Up

Time: 2 days after our heroes read the Get Rich Chain Letter Spam or the 5th day of our heroes' captivity (whichever you, the reader, prefer)

Time of day: Morning, or at least what passes for morning for our heroes

Place: Outside the bathroom on the Satellite of Degenerates (SOD)

Just outside the bathroom door, Hunter Hearst Helmsley and Shawn Michaels stood waiting for the right moment.

DX had been up for a few hours now, but had appeared asleep when Bret entered each man's room. Then, Shawn and Hunter had waited ten minutes after Bret had left, and then met up in HBK's room.

After some discussion, Shawn put what looked like a bottle of conditioner into a drawstring bag. Together, they left Shawn's room and went to the bathroom where they heard the water running.

Outside the bathroom, Shawn pulled the conditioner bottle out of his bag and Hunter took it. Carefully, and as quietly as possible, Hunter opened the door just enough so that he could look in. A quick peek told Hunter that Bret was still in the shower. Luckily, the bathroom curtain wasn't see-through, so all Hunter could see was the Hitman's shadowy figure behind it. More important to Hunter was what was on the sink's rim, for right there, as Hunter had assumed it would be, was Bret's conditioner.

Whoever had designed the SOD's bathroom had been one sadistic SOB. Aside from the fact that there was only one, that bathroom was located far from the crew's sleeping quarters. Additionally, the bathroom had a small shower and no bathtub. And Hunter, as weird as it may sound, really enjoyed taking a relaxing bath. However, the worst part was that the small shower had no shelves on which to put shampoo bottles, conditioner bottles or soap. So, when each man showered, he had to put his shampoo, conditioner and soap on the sink rim, which was in arm's reach of the shower.

The shower's design, although a pain normally, made things easy for Hunter on this occasion. He crept into the bathroom and switched the bottles of conditioner. He then left the bathroom, quietly closing the door behind him.

**End of part 2**

What was in that conditioner bottle? Read part 3. Sorry part 2 is so short. Hope you enjoyed it.


	4. Ch 3: The Reaction

Time: 2 days after our heroes read the Get Rich Chain Letter Spam or the 5th day of our heroes' captivity (whichever you the reader prefer)

Time of day: Morning, or at least what passes for morning for our heroes

Place: In the bathroom on the Satellite of Degenerates (SOD)

Bret finished shampooing his hair and rinsing out the suds. The next thing to do was condition his hair.

Bret reached through the curtain for the bottle of conditioner, grabbed the bottle and brought it into the shower. He opened the bottle and started to dump some of the contents onto his hair. However, what came out did not feel like conditioner to his head. Whatever fell on his head did not have a creamy, greasy feeling like conditioner did. Instead, it felt oily and greasy.

The Hitman brought the bottle in front of him. The dark colored container made it so he couldn't see the contents inside, so he poured some of it into his hand. When he did this, his hand became covered in yellow liquid. The liquid was greasy.

"Oil!. Somebody's put oil in my conditioner bottle," thought Bret. Most likely, it was vegetable oil from the kitchen. But who the hell…

Then, Bret had a feeling. He put the bottle of oil down on the sink and started to step out of the shower. He grabbed his towel and wrapped it around himself as he finished stepping out. With his feet on the bathroom floor and his towel firmly wrapped around his waist, he picked up the bottle of oil. Leaving the shower running, the Hitman walked to the bathroom door.

He stood outside the door so that when he opened it, his body wouldn't be visible to the other side. Quickly, the Hitman opened the door and with the hand holding the bottle…

Tossed the bottle's contents outside of the door. He then quickly closed the door.

Bret heard two voices sound out in disgust as the oil drenched them. As Bret expected, a knock on the door followed.

Bret opened it to find Shawn and Hunter dripping in oil. Shawn appeared to be wearing more of the substance than Hunter.

**Shawn: **(disgusted) That was not supposed to happen. (makes a disgusted sound in the back of his throat) I'm covered, now I need a shower.

**Bret:** Serves you right. (pause) You two were never drunk last night, were you?

**Shawn:** How'd you guess?

**Bret:** Because if you really were, you would have been too hung over to pull that stunt with the oil on me just now.

**Shawn:** What's the big deal? Your hair's oily anyway.

**Bret:** It is not. I wet it with water. (pause) I can't believe you did this after I took care of you last night.

**Hunter:** You know, you did a really good job. Shawn and I made a bet before hand on whether or not you'd take care of us. I won.

**Shawn:** (to Hunter) After what Bret's blamed me for over the years, how was I supposed to know that he'd do everything he did last night?

**Bret:** (ranting) I did things like lift you up so you could vomit into a bucket, so that you wouldn't choke on it, all because I didn't want you dying on me because I didn't want to go to jail for negligent homicide when we get back to Earth.

**Shawn:** And if you really had saved me from dying, I suppose I'd have to say thank you, but since you didn't, I won't.

**Bret: **And if you're ever really dying, I'll remember this day and refuse to offer help. (Shawn glares) How'd you guys make yourselves throw up and smell badly without drinking anyway?

**Hunter:** Bad breath and vomit inducing drugs...(almost nervously) courtesy of Vince.

**Bret:** (asking in disbelief) Vince was in on this?

**Hunter:** Only because on the night we read our first spam, after you and the Kid had gone to bed, Vince heard us plotting to pull a prank on you. He wanted in.

**Bret:** (outraged) And you accepted his help?

**Hunter:** Hey, I just wanted to test you and see if you would be there for us like a leader should. Shawn and Vince were the ones that wanted to annoy you. (after a pause) Plus, Vince wanted someone to test the vomit drugs, so that possibly, he could have a wrestler use them during a RAW show. One side effect is that they do give you a headache.

**Shawn:** And a scratchy throat.

**Bret:** I blame you for this Shawn.

**Shawn:** You blame me for everything, what else is new?

**Bret:** The fact that we should be working together is new. We're supposed to try to get along in order to survive Vince's evil. You're days of working with Vince are supposed to be over.

**Shawn:** They are.

**Bret:** Then why'd you pull this shit?

**Shawn:** I don't know Bret, this is just something I had to do. Like Hunter, I needed to see what you would do in a crisis. And you came through. I respect you for that.

**Bret:** Am I supposed to buy that?

**Shawn:** Look, I'm sorry.

**Bret:** I'm not gonna buy that either, and I doubt the Kid will accept an apology after having to clean up the mess you and Hunter left last night. Now, excuse me…(he slams the door right in DX's face and heads back to his shower)

**Shawn:** (he and Hunter have been left to think about what they've done) Hunter…

**Hunter:** Yeah Shawn…

**Shawn:** We better pray that nothing life threatening happens to either of us for a while.

**End of part 3**

What did you think?


	5. Ch 4: Having It Out

Time: 2 days after our heroes read the Get Rich Chain Letter Spam or the 5th day of our heroes' captivity (whichever you the reader prefer)

Time of day: Morning, or at least what passes for morning for our heroes

Place: In the kitchen on the Satellite of Degenerates (SOD)

After leaving the hallway outside the bathroom, Hunter and Shawn changed in their respective rooms. Shawn also grabbed two bath towels.

Then, they made their way into the kitchen.

**Shawn: **You can't get oil out of your clothes, you know. My tee-shirt and jeans are completely ruined.

**Hunter:** We did have it coming.

**Shawn:** You're one to talk. When the door opened, you jumped behind me and the oil got on me more than it did you.

**Hunter:** I was smart, plus the whole prank was your idea. (pause) I just hope we can get the oil out of your hair.

Hunter walked over to the kitchen sink and moved the faucet spout to the side of the sink.

**Hunter:** (talking like a gay man) Mr. Michaels, your hairdresser will see you now.

**Shawn:** (his best friend could be so weird) For God's sake…

**Hunter:** (continuing his gay hairdressing impression) Come, come. (Shawn walks over) So, how have you been? It's been so long. And your hair…didn't I tell you to stop using those cheap hair products. They leave your hair so oily, stringy, and lifeless.

**Shawn:** (about his friend's impression) Don't you think that's a little over the top?

**Hunter:** (continuing his impression) Not at all. I'm just being honest. After all, if you can't trust your hairdresser, tell me, who can you trust? Now, lean back into the sink and close your eyes. (Shawn does, Hunter turns on the water)

**Shawn:** (gasps) Cold, very cold.

**Hunter:** (regular voice) Apologies. (Shawn squints his eyes glaringly, Hunter puts on more hot water) Better?

**Shawn:** (after the water warms) Much. Just watch it. (Hunter uses the spray to thoroughly soak Shawn's hair)

**Hunter:** (continuing his impression) Rough day, I see. Well, don't you worry about a thing. I'll take care of you. I have a wonderful new shampoo to use on you today. You'll just love it. (grabs the dish detergent, pours some in his hand and lathers it)

Just as Hunter was lathering the detergent, Sean Waltman was walking into the kitchen.

**Sean:** (knowing someone's in the kitchen) Is breakfast…(looks at DX) Uhh…I take it that breakfast isn't ready.

**Hunter:** (regular voice) No, it's not.

**Shawn:** (eyes are closed) Is that the Kid?

**Hunter:** (to Shawn) Yeah. (starts to lather up Shawn's hair, this and the water make it so that Shawn has trouble hearing anything else)

**Sean:** What are you two doing?

**Hunter:** I'm washing Shawn's hair.

**Sean:** Isn't he capable of doing that himself? (laughs a little) Don't tell me you two are still hung over?

**Hunter:** No, we're not hung over. We never were.

**Sean:** (thinking he misheard Hunter, stops smiling) Excuse me? I think I heard wrong. Did you just say that you two weren't hung over?

**Hunter:** You can't be hung over if you weren't ever drunk.

**Sean:** (his anger beginning to build) What?

**Hunter:** We weren't drunk. It was all a joke.

**Sean:** (not pleased) A joke?

**Hunter:** A prank. On Bret.

**Sean:** (trying to act calm) A prank on Bret?

**Hunter:** To see how he'd react if Shawn and I were in trouble.

**Sean:** And what about me?

**Hunter:** We weren't planning on Bret involving you, but it was a good move on his part. He realized that he needed help, and he asked for it.

**Sean:** I see. (moves closer to the sink) And you're washing Shawn's hair because…

**Hunter:** Bret found out about last night after Shawn and I played another prank on him. It involved oil and Bret splashed it in Shawn's hair to get back at him.

**Sean:** I see. (reaches over and turns the hot water faucet on further)

**Shawn:** (screams) Ahhh! (stands up, dripping suds and water all over) Hunter…that's hot!

**Hunter:** Wasn't me.

**Sean:** It was me, you jerk.

**Shawn:** Sean…what the…

**Sean:** I had to clean your vomit last night.

**Shawn:** So why not pick on Hunter? You cleaned his up too.

**Sean:** Hunter could see me coming. (Shawn glares)

Then, Bret, dry and dressed, enters the kitchen.

**Bret:** (he'd heard Shawn scream) Now what's going on?

**Sean:** (to Bret) Just getting DX back for what they pulled on us.

**Bret:** Good going. (to Shawn) Shawn, you're dripping.

**Shawn:** That's not my fault.

**Bret:** It sure is.

**Sean:** And I'm not cleaning it.

Just then, a familiar beeping sounded.

**All:** Damn!

**Shawn:** Not now. I've still got soap in my hair.

**Bret:** Get over it. Wrap a towel around your hair, and let's go see what Vince has, so we can get done faster.

Bret and Sean head for the den.

Hunter hands Shawn the bath towel. Shawn takes it, but before wrapping his head, he shakes his head. Suds and water go flying, and much of the mix hits Hunter.

**Hunter:** Shawn!

**Shawn:** We're a team. If I have to be wet, so do you.

Hunter resists the urge to hit Shawn and takes a second towel to wipe the suds off. As Shawn wraps his hair in the towel, DX walks into the den.

Vince has already appeared on the plasma tv.

**Vince:** Nice of you both to join us.

**Hunter:** We had to finish something real quickly.

**Vince:** I see. So, how'd the prank go?

**Shawn:** Don't ask.

**Sean:** Wait, Vince knows about the prank?

**Bret:** Knows! He was in on it.

**Sean:** What? (to DX) You two are traitors.

**Shawn:** (to Bret and Sean) Hey, we didn't betray either of you. We just…took things too far.

**Hunter:** Believe it or not, we're sorry.

**Vince:** I'm not.

**Hunter:** Shawn and I are sorry.

**Shawn:** If we could just get past this…we promise, no more pranks.

**Sean:** Bret, do you believe them?

**Bret:** No. What guarantee do we have that you won't do something like this again?

**Shawn:** The guarantee that you can throw us out of the airlock if we do.

**Hunter:** Shawn!

**Shawn:** What? It's a good guarantee.

**Hunter:** One I don't know we can keep.

**Shawn:** We better if we fear for our lives. (pause) Bret, Sean, what do you say?

**Sean:** I like it.

**Shawn:** (to Hunter) There, you see.

**Bret:** I'd like to get it in writing.

**Shawn:** You have my word.

**Bret:** Your word isn't good enough. Writing's better.

**Vince:** (interrupting) Speaking about writing…I have a piece for you to read.

**All:** (groan)

**Vince:** It's a letter…

**Sean:** Not another chain letter.

**Vince:** No. It's a fan letter. For one of you.

**Hunter:** Which one?

**Vince:** Bret.

**Bret:** I don't like the sound of that.

**Shawn:** You don't like fan mail? And here I thought you loved your fans.

**Bret:** I do love my fans. And I like fan mail, but not when it comes to Vince who sends it the same way he does fan fic and spam. That means this letter is bad.

**Vince:** Try horrible. It's written by one of Marie's friends, who's absolutely crazy about you Bret.

**Bret:** Marie likes me and, yet, she called me a sell out. I'm afraid to read this letter.

**Shawn:** So am I. It shatters two of my biggest beliefs…

**Hunter:** Which are?

**Shawn:** That Marie has no friends and that Bret has no fans.

**Bret:** One word for you Shawn if you keep that up: airlock.

**Shawn:** By the sound of things, you're going to want to jump out of it when you read this letter.

**Vince:** Let's hope. (disappears)

**Hunter:** (looking up) One…two…three…(the familiar alarms and sirens go off, our heroes cover their ears in pain) Knew that was coming.

**Bret:** We have…well, you know…

End of part 4


	6. Ch 5: Bret Hart Fan Letter

Our heroes enter the theater and take their seats in the usual row. They sit in this order: Bret, Sean, Hunter, Shawn.

**Hunter:** I think it might be a good idea that Bret and Shawn stay separated during this misting. (watches the theater screen count down)

_5…4…3…2…1_

**Sean:** Houston, we have a problem.

**Hunter:** (sounding like the head of the space shuttle control room) What's the situation?

**Sean:** Horrible fan mail about to make its appearance.

**Hunter:** Roger that. Brace yourself.

_Dean Bret Hart_

**Shawn: '**Dean'? When did you start working at a college Bret?

**Bret:** That's supposed to be 'dear'. (shakes head in disbelief) A spelling error in the first line.

**Sean:** We're in for it then.

_Let me start by saying that you are absolutely positively unquestioningly and unconditionally my favorite wrestler of all time. _

**Shawn:** What did she do, swallow a thesaurus? 'Positively', 'unquestioningly' and 'unconditionally' all mean 'absolutely'.

**Bret:** Well, her heart's in the right place.

**Hunter:** Too bad her commas aren't in place.

_I remember watching you when I was just a little girl way back in 1891._

**Hunter, Shawn, Sean:** (laughs)

**Shawn: **If Bret wrestled in 1891, that would make him like…(thinking)

**Sean:** 150.

**Bret:** This writer needs an editor, badly.

**Hunter:** (to Bret) Unless she really is over 116 years old and thinks she remembers seeing you in 1891.

_The first paper view event I got to see was Summerslam 91_

**Shawn:** Summerslam 1891.

**Bret:** That's enough of that.

_You were wrestling mr perfect._

**Sean:** Forgetting to capitalize a name. That's just laziness.

_The match was amazing astounding awesome_

**Sean:** (impersonates a cheerleader) Oh, wow! Like, totally freak me out! I mean, right on!

**Shawn:** What was that?

**Sean:** Sorry. My wife likes the movie Bring It On and has made me watch it too many times.

_The way you two went back and forth on each other_

**Shawn, Hunter, Sean:** (laughs)

**Bret:** You all have sick minds.

**Shawn:** So do you if you know what we're thinking just from a laugh.

_As I got older, I was able to appreciate not only your talent, but how good you looked. You looked_

**Shawn: **(as the author) Like a drowned swimmer with seaweed stuck to your head instead of hair. But I like that look.

**Bret: **(getting upset) Shawn…

_so good in your pink tights and Perfect's perfect body and blonde hare made him look like a god._

**Hunter: **Curt is rolling around in his grave right now.

**Shawn:** With his pet rabbit.

**Bret:** (upset) Shawn!

**Sean:** For once a sex joke that no one's yelling at me for.

_Of course I was rooting for you, saying,_

**Shawn:** (as the author) Help! I can't move, I'm rooted to the ground. (not the author) Get it? Rooting.

**Sean:** That was weak Shawn.

"_Go Bret go_

**Shawn:** Go back to Canada where you belong.

**Hunter:** Shawn, cut it out already.

**Sean:** Yeah, before Bret kills you.

**Bret:** I'm not going to kill him.

**Sean:** (to Bret) You're showing a lot of control.

**Bret:** I'll just wait until he falls asleep tonight. Then, I'll kill him.

**Hunter:** (realizes Shawn is looking his way) No, you are not sleeping in my room tonight.

_I knew you could win the Intercontinental title. And you did even though you hit the guard rail. I really thought you hurt yourself._

**Bret:** It's called selling a match. Something I was the best at.

**Sean:** Didn't you break your sternum for real doing that same move?

**Bret:** (slightly embarrassed) I slightly miscalculated, yes.

_Then, you stripped perfect at the end of the match._

**Shawn, Hunter, Sean:** (excited) Whoo…

**Sean:** Take it off!

**Bret:** (smacks his head with the palm of his hand)

_I also loved your match with Davey Boy Smith at Wembley Stadium in Summerslam 92_

**Shawn:** (about to open his mouth)

**Bret:** You say it, and I promise you, you had better plan on sleeping with one eye open tonight. (Shawn wisely closes his mouth)

_All the reversals and moves that you and Davey did. That backwards bulldog was amazing._

**Hunter:** (to Bret) Didn't you do that because Davey forgot to catch you?

**Bret:** Yes. I had to save myself.

**Sean:** Didn't you also say that Davey crotched you on the top rope?

**Bret:** Yes. He didn't mean too though.

**Shawn:** That's not what I heard. (Bret glares)

_You always put so much emotion into your matches. Specially, when you were facing Owen._

**Hunter:** That's the third dead wrestler mentioned. Let's all take a moment of silence to remember them. (all the men bow there heads down and stay silent for a minute, Bret is really impressed that they do this)

_I really thought you and Owen hated each other._

**Bret:** Again, it's called selling.

**Shawn:** I don't know. Owen did tell me…

**Bret:** I don't want to hear it.

_You were in too many great matches to name._

**Sean:** So please don't.

_That's why I was deeply truly sincerely_

**Hunter:** Someone please tell this girl how to use a comma.

**Sean:** Someone please tell her to stop using a thesaurus.

_depressed when Vince screwed you._

**Shawn:** Because the author realized that she'd lost her chance to screw him herself.

**Bret:** Shawn…

**Shawn:** Hey, everyone made jokes about Vince screwing me when we read "The Betrayal of Shawn Michaels".

_I cried and cried for weeks. _

**Shawn:** So did Bret.

**Sean:** If she cried when you were screwed Bret, then I wonder how she felt when you received your concussion and were out of wrestling for good.

**Hunter:** She probably wore black for a whole week.

**Bret:** She's not that devoted of a fan, is she?

_I tried to watch you in WCW, but they put you in such bad story lines._

**Bret:** That's the only thing I've ever agreed with a fan fic on.

**Sean:** Yeah, Bischoff really knew how to mismanage talent until the talent no longer looked talented anymore.

**Hunter:** Someone's bitter.

**Sean:** Oh, and your career went so far when you were just known as Paul Lavesque.

_And then Goldberg that Stone Cold wannabee that couldn't wrestle his way out of a paperbag_

**Shawn:** Mule kicked Bret right in the head further scrambling brains that were already scrambled to begin with. (Bret keeps himself from looking Shawn's way)

_kicked Bret really badly._

**Shawn:** My way sounded so much better.

**Hunter:** So why don't you write one of these fan fics and send it to Marie?

**Shawn:** Marie only chooses bad fan fic to send us.

**Sean:** So yours would be a sure pick. (Shawn glares at the Kid)

**Shawn:** (to Sean) If I write that fan fic Kid, it's starring you.

_So you retired and never wrestled again. I was devastated._

**Sean:** (as author) So much that I considered suicide.

**Hunter:** Not hard enough, it looks like.

_That's why I was so happy when I have heard that you were aboard vince's satellite._

**Bret:** What, was it broadcasted to all of Earth?

_I knew I just had to send marie this letter so that she could get it to you._

**Bret:** You really shouldn't have.

_Know that you will always be my hero and that I take great pleasure in knowing that I can reach you any time I want._

**Sean:** You're screwed Bret, again.

**Bret:** I don't like it that it says 'I can reach you any time I want'.

**Hunter:** Yep, expect calls at one in the morning.

_You're mine Bret._

**Shawn:** Then please, do me a favor, take him.

**Bret:** Shawn…

_You always will be. _

**Bret:** My wife would strongly disagree.

_I'll write soon._

**Shawn:** You mean they'll be another one of these?

_Your number one fan,_

_Mina Thomasin_

**Hunter:** Oh (makes a horrified face)

**Sean:** What?

**Hunter:** Well, you remember that movie Misery?

**Bret:** The one where that crazy woman holds her favorite writer hostage?

**Hunter:** Yeah. Just that number one fan comment made me think of that movie.

**Shawn:** Pray you stay healthy Bret.

**Bret:** (to Shawn) Was that a threat?

**Shawn:** Just an observation.

_The End_

**Bret:** Thank goodness.

**Shawn:** And here I thought you liked your fans.

**Bret:** Yeah, the sane ones.

**Shawn:** So, that means you like a total of what, three? (Bret glares)

**Sean:** Perhaps we should get out of the theater. (our heroes get up and start to head out of the theater)

**Hunter:** (by Shawn's side) Shawn, when are you going to stop tormenting Bret? Even I'm starting to think it's getting old.

**Shawn:** It's fun. I don't want to stop.

**Bret:** (turns around) I can't wait for one of your fans to write to you.

**Shawn:** Why's that?

**Bret:** Because your fans are all little girls 16 and under.

**Shawn:** They are not. They're also women unsatisfied by their boyfriends and husbands.

**Sean:** Too much information.

**Hunter:** (our heroes exit the theater and make their way to the den) Let's face it guys. Any fan letters we get are going to be bad because those are the only ones Vince are going to send. On the plus side…

**Sean:** There's a plus side?

**Hunter:** It's a plus for you too Kid. So far Vince seems hell bent on tormenting Bret and Shawn and not either of us.

**Sean:** Now that is a plus. (our heroes make it to the den and make themselves comfortable)

**Shawn:** Mmm…I really am wondering if Marie would accept a submission from me.

**Bret:** Why? So you can torment me not only through your physical presence, but through your horrible writing.

**Shawn:** One, my writing's not horrible. And two, for once, my subject of torment is not you. It'd be one of them. (tosses his head in the direction of Hunter and Sean)

**Hunter:** You wouldn't.

**Shawn:** You and Sean have been getting off way too easy.

**Vince:** (appears on screen) I wholeheartedly agree.

**Sean:** Wait, don't you usually warn us before you appear?

**Vince:** I was watching you guys and I thought this was a good time to jump in. Now, about fan fic featuring the Kid and Hunter…

**Hunter:** (to Shawn) Thanks a lot pal. You gave Vince ideas.

**Vince:** I've had fan fics featuring Hunter and the Kid for a while now; I was just waiting for the right time to send them. That time is within the next few days.

**Sean:** (sarcastic) I can hardly wait.

**Vince:** Here's a preview…

**Sean:** I was kidding! I can wait.

**Vince:** Kid, yours is a fan letter as well. The fan is very, um…

**Sean:** Please say beautiful and brilliant.

**Vince:** I was going to say devoted and demented.

**Bret, Shawn, Hunter:** (laughs, Sean glares)

**Vince:** And yours Hunter…(Hunter stops laughing) is a fairy tale.

**Hunter:** I'm afraid to ask, but which one?

**Vince:** You'll see…till then…I look forward to seeing you two try to sleep with this information on your minds.

**Sean:** Well, now that I killed your serpentine camera, I think I can sleep regardless of any fan fic you could send me.

**Shawn:** Wait, you killed Vince's camera?

**Bret:** Oh, that's right, you missed that.

**Vince:** Well, about my camera Kid… (Suddenly, the serpentine camera rolls into the den)

**Sean:** (screams) Aaah! But I beheaded that thing.

**Hunter:** You beheaded it?

**Vince:** And I had it beamed back to my headquarters so my technicians could repair it.

**Sean:** (the camera moves towards him, he grabs Bret to use as a shield in order to keep the camera away, however the camera is persistent) Help.

**Bret:** I think this is a good time to say good night.

**Shawn:** Good night everybody.


End file.
